So, I think…no, I KNOW I wrote this blog post at least 10 separate times over the course of the past year. Probably more. But, I never finished them because I didn’t know how. Talking about my greatest adventures and moments in life should be easy, right? I thought so until I would look back and read it over and over. Each time I felt empty. Here I am talking about some the happiest moments in my life and felt nothing.
I have sat here stumped for awhile trying to figure it out.; and by awhile I mean I haven’t showered all day and I will be hissing at light when it starts to break through. I could of posted this a million times by now and you would have learned about the places I traveled and all the crazy things I did with Instagram photos and somehow it all would lock in the “my life is great” feeling. I’m just not okay with that. We are talking about my life here. It wasn’t all toes in the sand and mountain top sunsets. I am not going to post all about the shinny moments. I am going to discuss the pearls. The points that moved my life forward and brought me to this moment when I decided to show you me…honestly.
What I say may come as a shock to those who have followed my Instagram for a while because without reading this blog you would of never known. I mean, how could you of known? I posted all these fun stories and tons of ridiculously cool moments. I seemed really happy, but I wasn’t. I was depressed. I was lonely among people and somehow lost. The only time I could even feel like I was living with a purpose was in the moments when life was exhilarating. Like the first time I watched out the window and saw the wing of a plane take flight.
But as soon as those moments passed I’d feel lost. I felt like a hopeless girl with a really bad case of wanderlust. Although the photography I did during and before my depression was good, I look back now and pretty much hate it. Not the subjects. Just the feel. It was exhausting creating content because I thought everyone else would like it instead of the content I wanted to create. The content I saw when I looked through a lens. I felt no soul connection to the photos I was taking. Comparing my work to other photographers left me empty. Even the captions I added to post were lame. “Stunning!” “I love this candid!” Is that really all I had to say about a couple who were clearly in love or about a human’s glowing face?! I wasn’t invested. Not at all. But I faked it so well. I was too busy trying to be this “bright & airy” happy go lucky photographer that I lost myself and I lost all the reasons I fell in love with photography in the first place. I was embarrassed by my work.
Eventually that inevitable day came. I gave up and walked away. How stupid of me for thinking I could make something out of myself this way. I kicked myself down when I was already low. I told myself that I needed to find a “real and realistic passion and life goal”. (As though a real passion can be changed.) I bounced around from small job to small job trying to figure out what the hell that was going to be. My real and realistic life goal. I tried looking into a bunch of different careers and actually attempted going to school for some of them; they all left me unfulfilled. Working jobs I didn’t want while simultaneously planning for a future I didn’t want. I’m not a psychologist, but I believe this was a big reason my depression kept haunting me. Trying to run down something and remaining lost. It was a rough way to learn that what everyone else was doing, or what people expected me to do, is not what is best for me. It got to where it was hard for me to even get out of bed. Not because I felt like I couldn’t. But because I felt like there was no point. I was living an empty life. No. Actually I wasn’t living at all. Looking back at who I was just 3 months ago I am shocked at who I let myself become and that I put myself in such a deep hole.
That is looking back. Today I am the happiest I’ve ever been. I can feel myself glowing. I have a brand new outlook on life and I’ve never felt so good. In one month I went through a breakup and got fired from my job. It sounds like an unfortunate chain of events. Nope. I can say my life is better than good. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of playing Harry Styles and crying (trust me I did that), but I love my old job, my co-workers, and yes even my ex. No hard feelings! I think I needed to be pushed into a place where I felt like I had no where to go & had no-one. I needed to be able to see what was in front of me after it all came crashing down. The pile of mangled unfulfilled “real and realistic life goals”. I needed to go through the embarrassment and disappointment. That is how I discovered my feelings are valid and its okay to cry, to scream, and to be angry. Life isn’t always sunny and warm. That’s okay! You just have to learn how to love the rain. A main part of me was just over being sad. Tired of living an unfulfilling life because I knew the only thing holding me back was me. I was the one choosing to let my emotions and thoughts define me and I was done with it. I had to let go of what felt toxic to my true goals. I have taken back what I gave away. How I express myself. My clothes are more me. I even dyed my hair pink. I got another tattoo and I am focused solely on myself.
I have always expressed myself, like how I broke my mothers heart with body piercings and tattoos, but there was only one thing I really needed to do to express who I was and be totally honest. You already know…I needed to stop pushing away photography! I was done letting all the moments slip by me. Those opportunities to make new connections. The chance to help someone express themselves. Most importantly the chance to feel proud. I know now that no matter what is going on around me my passions will always drive me. My lesson learned: You’ll never be able to pursue your dreams if you don’t let yourself grow in the direction of your sun. The rain will always be there, but without it there is no lesson learned. No rain, no flowers.
So I have figured out why writing a blog about the fun of my greatest adventures is unfulfilling and blah. If you want to know me, to know who your photographer is, you need to know I had my heart broken … many times. By a friend, a lover, even by myself. It is important you know I’d go weeks with only getting a couple hours of sleep because I felt so lost. But there is more. Let’s talk honestly so we know where we are heading.
Let’s talk about all about all the small people we’ve met in our big journeys. Like the 30 minute pedicab ride my friend Tara and I got from a man named Russia in NYC. He drove us 30 minutes away to go buy fake Gucci in Chinatown. My favorite quote from Russia was, “One time I gave Justin Bieber a ride around for the whole day. Really funny guy, ya know”.
Let’s share our adventures. Like how I slept on the street in Washington D.C. all night to be able to meet Lana Del Rey to get a front row view. I also got barricade bruises and got to kiss her on the cheek (*still screaming*), but just as great, I had one of the most interesting conversations of my life with a homeless man.
We can talk about all the trouble we’ve got ourselves into; like accidentally, and illegally, crossing over to Tijuana just to get a margarita. Then almost getting held in a Mexican jail.
We could reminisce on our softer moments. Like the night I slow danced around a Walmart parking lot at 12 AM to the twilight soundtrack.
We could talk about all the crazy, awkward, beautiful and romantic dates we have been on and all the strangers we’ve fallen in love with through our lives journeys.
We can talk about the moments we’ve felt adrenaline. Like when I was shirtless on a cliff in front of the Hollywood sign.
Some say it is about the destination and not about how you get there. I disagree. You find the pearls in the moments along the way.
I now view the world proudly through rose tinted glasses. I am at peace with myself, my past, and my future. I wake up every day ready to see what it holds for me. I spend way too much time dancing around my room to the Bee Gees and I have fully dived into being a hopeless romantic. I sing constantly and smile at everyone I pass by. I learned to love everyone no matter the differences, but most importantly I love myself. learning that my insecurities weren’t something that I needed to hide, but something to embrace helped me grow into who I am currently and has a lot to do with my happiness. My insecurities are what makes me. I use to stare aimlessly at a photo of myself before I ever would think about sharing. I had to make sure my insecurities weren’t showing. I’m thankful thats in the past. I feel confident in myself and who I am because I’m actually being me. Fuck what anyone else thinks and fuck living your life to please other people.
This is the first step to my greatest adventure.
This is me. Pink hair and all.
I feel like I’m unstoppable and I’ve never felt better.
In 2020 I plan to dream with my eyes open wide.
So, yeah I’ve changed. I sure hope I have.
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