Oof ... Hi. It’s been awhile and I’ve missed you.
I’m 21 guys. I’m fucking 21. Why does that sound so terrifying to me? How did this happen so fast? I can still feel myself slamming on the breaks of my mom's old SUV in a church parking lot as she taught me how to drive. By “taught me how to drive” I mean taught me how to form the perfect circle at just under 10 mph. Great if I ever ... nope, can not think of one situation in which that would be useful. But one reckless driving ticket and $400 later, I taught myself how to drive.
One thing I’ve picked up on from my times spent at train stations, airports or in high population areas is how crazy it is that we see thousands of people for the first and the last time in our lives in the matter of seconds. I’m DEFINITELY guilty of having a crush on a cute guy in line at the airport and then next thing I know...
I’m day dreaming about the unlikely circumstance our seat tickets get switched and we are forced to sit by each other. Then we wind up super in love, living in a cute rancher with our golden doodle named Rufus in Colorado or something like that. Full on lifetime movie.
I was never the ballsy type when it came to coming out of my comfort zone or “shooting my shot”, if you will. The fear of rejection was just toooooo scary for me. How lame. I’d rather day dream about us meeting in the middle and automatically sucking face instead of actually seeing if I could make that a reality.
“I said the likelihood just frightens me and it's easier to hide” - Rex Orange County - 4 Seasons
My whole life I’ve been a dreamer. When I was a child I dreamed of being a singer (If only I wasn’t tone deaf.), when I was a teen I dreamed of freedom and boys. Now as a young adult I’m dreaming about more realistic and meaningful things, not about making a boy in home-room fall in love with me or living the double life like Hannah Montana. I dream about having a studio apartment in New York, working my job to its highest potential and even the less meaningful things like chunky belciaga sneakers. I’m guilty ok.
I still to this day play scenes in my head about my life that will NEVER happen. (Or will it?) For the majority of my life I have dreamed of being an adult. I thought being 21 meant you were so grown. Obviously by then you had to have your shit together, right? That’s what you thought it was like in the movies. From what you saw through young eyes everyone older did have their shit together. Here I am guys. I’m 21 and I do not my shit together. Not at all. If you’re in your early 20’s and you think you do than you may want to consider taking a longer look at your world just to make sure.
Now I’m not lost by any means. I know my goals, where I want to be in 5 years and what I wanna do with my world. I have taken actions towards those goals and that future. I have no doubt in my mind that I will accomplish all those plans. At least until they turn into new plans. That is where the part comes into play that ruins the “having your shit together” feeling. The roller coaster called, as cliche as it is, life. The roller coaster you have never been on that is inside a dark tunnel where you have no clue if it’s going up or down or what loops and turns are coming. That feeling can really discourage you and distract you from your goals. Even minuscule moments that will mean nothing in a few weeks find a way of causing our emotions to be crazy. They distract us from what is important and truly meaningful. I've never had a problem of letting go of my sadness, eventually, but one thing I always struggle with is that I feel like I need to have the answers to everything. Not eventually, but now.
Ya know those stages of grief. We all go through them. Well when I go through a life event that challenges or hurts me I usually have the same recovery stages. I tend to fly through all of those emotions over the course of a few days and then I let it go ... for the most part. The part I can’t let go is how I feel there is always a resolution or quick fix I missed. I obsess over why this happened and why I could not have prevented it; or at the very least finished it right. I crave that sense of closure in knowing why everything happened. I mean hello I’m a Virgo. I basically send my friends power points on the answers to their problems. So why can I not fix my own? Well, that is just not life. It is not always going to give you answers. Quiet often it leaves you dangling. The answers you see for others are not as clear when it is your own problem.
As life rides on and I find myself in new a new corkscrew, I learn that I am becoming more in touch with my raw emotions. The ones you typically ignore because they confuse the shit out of you. I have taken down the walls I managed to build up and in return opened myself up to a lot of good and bad. Because that is what life does to us. You do something positive for your emotional well being and next thing you know you feel massive amounts of ick. Now I see the things I’ve been protecting myself from and feel the things I didn’t know I could feel. Life can really throw a nasty roll of the dice and often there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s it. All you are suppose to do is accept it for what it is and move on. Which brings us back to that part I can not let go. Do you see my issue? Do you feel my struggle? I NEED TO KNOW THE ANSWERS? WHAT CAN I DO TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING AGAIN? WHERE DID I GO WRONG? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY AM I YELLING?
When I had those walls I didn’t leave room for things disappoint me. I never put myself in a situation that could potentially change my life. It was all gravy. I never disappointed myself and that was all that mattered. Now I fucked up and wear my heart on my sleeve. Brilliant, Ryleigh.
Sometimes you'll never know all the answer or maybe there will never be an answer that is satisfying enough. Your mind can feed on your hope to end the search. It can linger on whatever answer you are craving. This can set you back and you do not even realize it is happening. I keep searching and searching. Replaying moments in my head. Looking for something somewhere that I had missed. Wasting time. uuuuuggghhhhh
It’s not always like the movies, right? We hear it all the time. Things don’t always happen how you wish they would. Your day dreams don’t always come true. The people you love don't always come chasing after you. You don’t always get the job or the promotion. You can hurt the people around you without even realizing and not be forgiven. The stars don’t always align. You don’t always get a second chance. Even in all those truths the one something you always have is the next day.
You do not see it in the moment, but tomorrow is going to be there and each time it brings the chance you can change it all. That is what keeps us going. We as people need time to heal. There is nothing wrong with taking every second that you need to get through your stages of grief. My point in this is to be able to reach out and tell you personally that you're doing great. :) Keep growing, learning and moving forward. Everyone takes on life at different speeds. You're doing the best you can.
Eventually there will come a point in time when you face life and make steps to move forward. So,
I’ve made a list to help when that day comes, because Virgo.
- TODAY STOP MAKING UP SCENARIOS THAT WONT HAPPEN.
- PUT ALL OF YOUR ENERGY IN WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY.
- TODAY STOP LOOKING FOR ANSWERS THAT ARE NOT THERE.
- IF YOU WANT A HEALTHY CHANGE MAKE IT HAPPEN.
- TODAY STOP ROMANTICIZING PEOPLE THAT HURT YOU.
- Also, stop yelling.
"If there was a problem, yo I’d solve it" - Vanilla Ice
... maybe.
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